Senior Mark Kirk announced Saturday his plans to wait until graduation day to decline all outstanding Venmo requests.
“For a while I was just waiting for my paycheck to post, but then it occurred to me that I’m just about ready to skip town,” said Kirk. “I’m headed back to LA after graduation, and I’m never seeing any of these fuckers again!”
“Jayson can send me as many passive aggressive reminders as he wants,” continued Kirk. “He’s a fool if he thinks he’s ever getting reimbursed for that NYPD pizza.”
According to Kirk, he will default on all eighteen of his open Venmo charges during the commencement ceremony, giving him ample time to grab some bags from his apartment before the fallout. “Everyone will be so caught up in the ceremony, they won’t even notice,” said Kirk. “I’ll be a thousand miles in the air by the time they check their email.”
Kirk who has accrued $219 in Venmo debt, originally planned to change his handle for a few months while “this whole thing blows over,” but has since decided the complete deletion of his account is a necessary step in ensuring that “[his] past doesn’t catch up with [him].”
“I’m going off the grid entirely – It’s the perfect crime,” added Kirk. “No relationships to maintain, no bills to pay – just a fresh start. I’ll be a new man.”
Kirk was last seen avoiding his roommate, who had just bought more toilet paper for the house.
