In an outpouring of reportedly unsolicited advice, LSA Junior Justin Navarro assured freshman orientees last Thursday that they have no idea what’s ahead of them. Allegedly slouching against the cold brick facade of East Quad, the U-M veteran offered to show the incoming students “the side of campus they don’t want you to see.”
“If they think they know what college is all about from one measly orientation tour, they have another thing coming,” said Navarro, as he extinguished the butt of a cigarette underneath the toe of a worn combat boot.
According to sources, Navarro gave the spontaneous sermon without once looking up from behind his dark, choppy bang. Navarro, completely unprompted, commented “When I came in I was fresh and young, just like these chums. I didn’t know shit about having to walk all the way around the chem building to swipe in after hours, or the lack of cell service in that one lecture hall in the UMMA.”
Orientee Alessandra Holt, who was party to the unsolicited opinions, became increasingly anxious about her enrollment in the fall. “I come from a small town and was so excited to come to Ann Arbor for college. Apparently, I have to ‘survive three Union poster sales and a co-op karaoke night to get any respect around here’ That’s what a guy outside East Quad told me.”
Holt later added, “he told me I have to ride the Wave Field on North Campus to get any respect. What is a wave field?”
Navarro, who was forced to stay both spring and summer term on account of his lack of credits to qualify for graduation next spring, hoped he was able to let incoming freshman “know what this place has in store for them.”
At press time, Navarro was exclaiming to a passing group of orientees that “no one calls it the MATH hall. We just refer to all four of those buildings as Mason. You don’t know the things I’ve seen there.”