If I Take Off These Glasses My Whole Face Will Fall Apart

As the majority leader in the Senate, it’s my job to spearhead Republican interests within my house of Congress. I can’t do that without a strong constituency and a resolute voice. But my voice needs a face. And my face will totally come apart unless I keep these glasses on.

These glasses allow me to see clearly the plight and hardships of the American people. They also keep my forehead connected to my scalp, and my cheeks affixed to the rest of my head. I get them specially made in a small shop in Kentucky. And I get an aide to make sure they are screwed on as tight as possible every morning, just in case.

The Trans-Pacific Partnership is an absolute travesty, and I stand by the President’s decision to leave the trade deal. But know that if my glasses leave the delicately balanced post on my face, everything will peel off in seconds.

I’m serious. I don’t know whether it will come off in chunks or sort of melt away, I just know that these glasses are the only things standing between me and a faceless, bloody stump of a visage. Trust me, the debt ceiling will not be on your mind if you see what happens when I take these things off.

Strong legislation and tax reform are extremely important to focus on as the midterm election approaches. But what is absolutely paramount are that these glasses stay exactly where I’ve bolted them into my head, or my whole face will come undone.

Related News