According to a recent study conducted by the National Institute of Modern Music, it was determined that jazz is simply a bunch of random notes played quickly. A popular genre since it emerged in the late 19th century, new groundbreaking analytics have determined that, despite some prior belief to the contrary, jazz is really just a series of varying notes playing in rapid succession.
“We spent hours feeding Jazz records into pattern-detecting supercomputers,” said Dr. Ramona Kasky, a noted musicologist. “The results were unanimous: scientifically, jazz is actually just a meaningless arrangement of notes played at high speed.”
During the study, the National Institute of Modern Music also consulted numerous other musicologists, all of whom ultimately concluded that the genre, and all music encompassed within it, was really nothing more than cacophonies of notes played quickly.
“My coworkers and I listened to those standards for days, hoping to find a meaning, a pattern – anything,” added Jasper Hainsworth, professor of musicology at Berklee College of Music. “Instead, we found nothing. It was quite disappointing to say the least.”
This study is projected to have a major impact on the careers of many aspiring musicians. Several universities have already announced plans to shut down their programs relating to the study of jazz.
“I spent years studying Coltrane, Armstrong, and Ellington and learning how to emulate their technique.” said Mary Styles, a senior studying Jazz Arts at Juilliard. “Now I know they were all just talentless fakes. Talk about a useless degree.”
The results of the study are predicted to have an impact on the nation’s cafes.