According to several unopened emails from your father, binge drinking exists on college campuses and is “something to watch out for.”
Your dad has reportedly failed to understand the email, containing the subject line “Interesting Read,” will never be read by you.
The articles detail the dangers of consuming too much alcohol in one sitting, and includes tips such as, “substituting beer for vodka,” and “trying out nighttime activities that don’t include alcohol, like bowling.” The articles were sent in a bundle of four, clearly a sign of a late night stress- spiral.
After finding some “really valuable stuff” regarding the effects of marijuana usage, your dad is considering forwarding you information on drugs as well. “Who knows what they’re putting in the reefer these days,” he was quoted as saying.
“I just want you to be educated,” added your dad, conceding that he knows you’re an adult, but “it still feels like it was just yesterday, Rachel,” that he would take you to the park so you could “practice counting the ducks in the pond” and “take you around the block on your bike.”
At press time, your dad was wondering whether Gmail is still good or if he should switch to your UMich account.