Everyman Chainsaw Murderer Puts Flesh Suit On One Leg At A Time

Kramer was looking forward to a relaxing weekend of garden work and murderous rampages, just like the next guy.

Completing his morning routine before heading to work, area chainsaw murderer Jared Kramer reportedly put on his suit made from the stitched together flesh of his victims just like the rest of us: one leg at a time.

Kramer, a reclusive local legend who townspeople have suspected for years in the disappearances of numerous youths, made it clear that despite his disposition he’s just like the rest of us.

“I know I may look scary, and yes, I’m probably going to kill you if you go to the end of Six Mile Road or cross me during a full moon, but deep down I’m a regular guy just like you,” Kramer stated. “I still have to seed the lawn, scrub the floors, clean the basement, and yes, do the laundry, just like everyone else.”

Kramer also made sure to emphasize his family values. “My three kids mean the world to me. If it weren’t for their tragic drownings at the hand of my wife, I’m not sure I would’ve even got started down this path in the first place. I’m a family man at heart.”

Kramer’s presence in the community continues to be a polarizing subject for its members. “Beneath that haunting exterior, he’s really just a normal guy,” said local store clerk Nate Krest. “He was in here just the other day buying hedge trimmers and lye. Who hasn’t had problems with their foliage?”


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