Politicians Struggle To Find Cool Acronym For Transportation Infrastructure Bill

Congressmen had reportedly been workshopping phrases for hours in closed sessions.

Reports from Washington D.C. indicate that the primary hurdle facing the passage of HB 6378, a bipartisan infrastructure bill, is the difficulty the U.S. House of Representatives is having coming up with a catchy acronym.

“All I’m saying is, look at all the great pieces of legislation passed the last 10 years or so. They all have kickass names,” said New York Republican Gregory Meeks. “The PATRIOT Act: Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act. That’s a bill name. It just sucks for us transportation guys because all the best acronym people get assigned to military bills.”

The bill, which would reorganize the national budget to include more money for highway restoration across the United States, found support from members of both parties. Its contents were quickly approved by a large majority in a recent referendum; the only item left on the docket before the bill’s passage was to decide on a good enough acronym.

Members of the House Infrastructure Committee have reportedly organized into several breakaway committees, each responsible for coming up with acronym pitches on which the whole committee will vote.

“This subcommittee decided to take a look back at some of the great acronyms of the past,” said Connecticut Democrat Rosa DeLauro, the head of one such breakaway group. “You’ve got the BREATHE Act: Bringing Reductions to Energy’s Airborne Toxic Health Effects, you’ve got the BEER Act: Brewers Excise and Economic Relief. . . All these great names that really stick with you and make you remember the legislation. We just need to work harder to conjure one of our own.”

Other subcommittees are taking different routes, such as playing with online acronym generators, organizing focus group polling, and other methods.

“At some point, we decided to work backwards and try to fit words to an acronym. A backronym like RADAR” reported Californian Mark DeSaulnier. “Some of us were pushing hard for “NEW ROADS”, but “ASPHALT” and “FREEWAY” had strong followings as well.”

Citizens in areas where highway repair is an imminent need report feelings of frustration and mounting anger that the only thing holding back the passage of the much-needed infrastructure bill is the “totally pedantic and superficial foot-dragging” about its name.“

There have been a dozen accidents this month on the entrance ramp to I-44,” said Pennsylvania resident Michael Ellis. “Nobody gives a rat’s ass what they call the damn thing, just fix the highway!”

Spokespeople for the House of Representatives relayed that while the needs of US citizens is always the top priority for their representatives, the historic practice of coming up with cool acronyms for bills will remain of paramount importance, and that affected citizens can expect the bill’s passage within the coming months.

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