Adult Cousins Really Boring Now

Daniel wasn’t sure what crushed their spirit, but vowed to never let it happen to him.


Claiming that they no longer seem to like joking around or rough-housing, area senior Daniel Allard reportedly struggled over the recent winter holiday break with the realization that his adult cousins had become “super boring.”

“I remember back in the day, when we were all kids, all of us cousins would have huge snowball fights over break,” recalls Allard. “We would spend hours building crazy snow forts, going sledding, all that stuff. But now all they ever talk about is car insurance and local politics and stuff like that. I mean, I’m already 22-years-old. Is that where I’m headed?”

While Allard fully acknowledges many of the realities of adult life, he indicated that he felt it was all happening too fast.

“I live in an apartment, so I pay bills and go grocery shopping,” he explained. “But it’s like a flip switched. I remember this past Thanksgiving, my older cousin Benny got in a fight with his wife because she said he’d get heartburn if he ate too much pie. It used to be that we’d get into fights about sports, or because I flung a spoonful of cornbread right in someone’s face.”

In addition to the sobering realization that life as an adult is markedly less fun than life as a college student, high school student, grade school student, toddler, or infant, Allard reported frustration with the superior attitudes of his older family members.

“I’m a college senior, I’ll be graduating this semester,” he said. “I’ve got a job lined up and everything, but the way they all talk to me, you’d think I was still the same stupid high schooler who used to draw dicks in all his notebooks. I swear they all think they’re better than me just because they know how to file taxes and need coffee to stay up later than 10:30.”

Purportedly the most alarming event of the break was when Allard mixed up family members from different generations at the family Christmas party.“

I wanted to ask my cousin Andy about his vacation, so I yelled his name across the room. But when he turned around, it was his dad. Andy’s only seven years older than me and he’s already bald enough to look like my uncle.”

At press time, Allard was seen googling affordable airfare to exotic locales in what he described as a “quarter-life crisis.”

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