Citizens across America are gearing up in eager anticipation of the colder, Less Good Olympics.
The Less Good Olympics, which begin February 9th, will remain on in the background of every waiting room in the country until their conclusion two weeks later, and will be preempted by several weeks of excitement. This will be followed by a couple days of celebrating some obscure athlete, from some obscure country, competing in some obscure sport.
Americans taking sick days are eager to become experts in curling, luge, and cross country skiing while viewing preliminary rounds on a television channel they had no idea NBC owned.
Similarly, the country’s night owls are eager to watch hockey games at 4 a.m. only to view the same exact game in prime time the next day.
“There’s no way the flippy things these kids are doing are real sports,” said stay-at-home parent Chris Garza. “I don’t know why they have to cancel Ellen to show some boys in puffy snowsuits see who can jump the highest on their skis, but at least I feel warm watching from the comfort of my own living room.”
The Less Good Olympics parallel their more good sibling, the Summer Olympics, in style and format, but strictly limit participation to wealthy white countries, with the exception of the occasional Jamaican bobsled team.
“I’m not sure why anyone who’s seen the Olympics of diving, gymnastics, beach volleyball, and soccer would put up with the Olympics of curling, cross-country skiing, and that thing where they ski and shoot targets at the same time,” said Garza. “But if they happen to be on while I’m preparing dinner, I’ll watch for long enough to convince myself I’m an expert in whatever sport I’m watching for the first time.”
At press time, Olympic researchers were analyzing how it is the Less Good Olympics can have the more good Olympic outfits.