Mitch McConnell To Spend Weekend Comparing Cryogenic Brain Preservation System Deals At Best Buy

McConnell described the outing as “pleasant” and his Geek Squad attendants as “fine young men.”


During this weekend’s congressional recess, Senator Mitch McConnell is reportedly planning to spend the weekend shopping around for the best cryogenic brain preservation system at his local Louisville Best Buy.

Alan Ivory, a spokesperson for the Senate Majority Leader mentioned McConnell’s plans for the weekend shopping spree in recent interview.

“The senator is fortunate to be spending one of the few weekends he’s not on the job shopping for deals on cryogenic containers. Upon his inevitable death, he’s hoping to freeze his grey matter in the nicest brain-box the appliance store has to offer,” said Ivory. “It is of particular importance to the senator that the machine have a sufficient amount of spooky smoke enveloping his frozen brain at all times.”

According to their website, Best Buy sells a number of cryogenic freezers, some of which even come with bonus cryogenic mini fridges.

“This is where my human brain is going to live for centuries until a future scientist warms that bad boy back up,” said McConnell. “That’s why I’m looking for a cryogenic facility that doesn’t just hold the human mind, it cradles it softly.”

McConnell continued, “I’m also hoping to grab a couple new iPhone cords while I’m at Best Buy. My old one is doing that thing and I’m sick of hiring interns to hold it at the right angle so it gets a good charge.”

The 75-year-old senator is reportedly taking all measures to make sure his legacy lives on after he has to leave office.

“It will be sad to see such an esteemed leader go,” said Senator Rand Paul, also of Kentucky. “Fortunately, our congressional health plan covers cutting edge cryogenic technology.”

Senator McConnell was later seen exiting the Best Buy in a rage after a salesman refused to honor his expired coupon for 20% off all Kenmore brain freezers.

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