Trying to reach his Psych 111 lecture, sophomore James Lyon has been aimlessly wandering the Modern Languages Building for almost three days now.
Those close to the situation fear that Lyon may be trapped in an infinite loop, condemned to walk in circles around the first floor of the MLB for the rest of eternity.
“We don’t see any way out for him at this point,” said MLB facilities manager Peter Williams. “Our estimates show that he has already walked the perimeter a few hundred times, and he will do so millions and millions of more times, since he is trapped there for the rest of time.”
“It all just looks so similar,” said Lyon. “As soon as I reach Auditorium 3, I realize that it’s actually Auditorium 4.”
Lyon also recounted trying to use certain landmarks within the building to gauge his position, but “all the vending machines, bathrooms, and benches look exactly the same.”
Even after three days, Lyon reported still being unable to decipher between each of the building’s “identical sides” and was incapable of telling if he’d been walking in circles or a very long straight line.
“It would help if they painted each hall a different color or something,” said a near-dehydrated Lyon, his only source of water being a fountain on one of the four completely indistinguishable sides. “I mean, you really start to learn something about hallway design when you’ve been walking in circles for three days and will be for the rest of eternity.”
After beginning to feel sensations of dizziness, Lyon attempted to escape the building, only to end up on a never-ending staircase to the second floor.
“It keeps going up,” said Lyon, “the second floor can’t possibly be this high up.”
Lyon was last seen walking around the second floor of the MLB, and he will be seen wandering there for rest of eternity.
