GOP Gerrymandering Law Mandates All Districts Be Shaped Like Dinosaurs

Paul Ryan suggested saving the good dinosaurs for red districts.

Unanimously passing through Congress last week, a Republic gerrymandering bill is set to be signed into law this Friday mandating every district in every state be redrawn so they all look like dinosaurs.

“We [Republicans] have been hearing a lot of criticism about unfair redistricting,” said Senator Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania. “Now, we’ve spent a lot of time discussing this, and we’ve agreed the only way to make sure this is done without any bias is to make the districts look like a bunch of T. Rexes and Anchiceratopses fighting each other.”

Gerrymandering experts disagree with the law’s effectiveness, saying it will only lead to more overrepresentation of Republicans.

“When the horns of triceratops split up African American neighborhoods in Bucks County, PA, Democratic votes will have significantly less impact,” said redistricting expert Doug Antwerp.

Many Democrats have echoed Antwerp’s concerns. “Even though dinosaurs are indisputably the coolest shape for putting things into, it’s difficult not to see this as a last ditch Republican power grab,” said Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy. “The Triceratops shape is simply not conducive to a fair and balanced representation.”

At press time, Republican Senators were discussing how to split the city of Baltimore into 17 different velociraptor tails.

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