According to a new study performed by philosophy scholars at Sarah Lawrence University, time is dictated by its relation to human events and the nature of our collective existence is predetermined by the social underpinnings of our ancestors, man.
“Really, we were surprised by the results of our findings. But in another sense, we weren’t surprised at all,” said lead researcher Leaf Williams. “It’s, like, we found all this out because of the research, but also we knew it the day we were born.”
The study, which was funded by Citizens United, was conducted over the course of 14 months and featured many group-think sessions and individual.
“It is currently unclear what this information means going forward – and that’s only partly due to the fundamental origins of information and its capacity to be misinterpreted by the human understanding,” stated philosopher John Schilling.
It is not certain yet whether any further investigation will be done to determine the true meaning of these findings.
While the realization of time’s relativity and the reasoning of society’s function are important determinants, it is not yet fully understood how these factors will determine human existence going forward.
“Existence, man,” said Williams, shaking his head. “We’d love to further investigate how this all comes together, but maybe that’s just something that we aren’t entirely prepared to handle at this particular moment.”
At press time, researchers were seen examining the contents of their thoughts, pondering their individual thoughts as well as the thoughts of previous thinkers who have similarly thought about things that are worth thinking about.