Whatever Making Beeping Sound Clearly A Bomb

“Whatever it is, it’s probably the last thing you’re going to hear,” Finnegan reported.

Noting that they had yet to hear of a single case in which a human heard beeping and wound up alive, acoustics experts announced that the probability that any given beep does not originate from a fatal explosive is effectively null.

“Our research shows that 10 out of 10 times, the cause of a rhythmic, high-pitched tone that comes seemingly out of nowhere is not a phone, running watch, or household appliance, but rather a preprogrammed death device poised to end it all,” said acoustician Paul Finnegan. “I would say pack your bags, but you probably don’t have much time.”

The panel recommended those who hear an unexpected beep to immediately ee the vicinity, even if they suspect it may just be a roommate’s alarm, as “in reality, the odds are one hundred percent you are about to be blown to smithereens.”

“If this is the way you had to nd out your roommate has it out for you, then I’m sorry, but I’m here to tell you the only reasonable explanation for beeping in your apartment is that someone planted a bomb and you are about to die,” said sound engineer Paula Feraldo. “Get out while you can.”

At press time, a new report indicated that creaky floorboards heard at night are a clear indication of an intruder.

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