Local Doorman Hot On His Way To Becoming Door

Philips will be a door any day now.

Citing his lifeless demeanor and excellent posture, the Charlavin Hotel has announced that doorman Derek Philips was a top contender for becoming the hotel’s newest door.

“Philips is an excellent fit for this role,” said Charlavin owner Rachel Hill. “He’s everything we could ever want for one of our doors: six-foot-eight, rock solid, and a total idiot.”

“I always knew he had it in him,” said Philips’ mother Kara Philips. “Ever since he was young I told him he made a better door than a window, and just look at him now. I’m as proud as a mother could be.”

Regular customers of the Charlavin are excited about Philips’s upcoming promotion. One customer said that the move couldn’t come soon enough. “I’m so happy for this guy. He’s been an excellent doorman, so I have no doubt he’ll be an excellent door.”

Hill has expressed some reservations towards giving Philips the promotion. “Patrons have noticed that every once in a while he’ll show some signs of life, low grunts or the occasional blink, but that’s nothing a little duct tape and super glue can’t fix. Other than that he’s locked and loaded.”

At press time, Philips was seen trying to get his foot in the door.

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