Mattress Warehouse Unveils Bed That Breathes On The Back Of Your Neck When You Sleep

The new mattress also occasionally sneezes.

Using the latest advancements in sleep technology, Mattress Warehouse shocked the world with its unveiling of a bed that breathes on the back of the user’s neck when they sleep. The technology promises sleepers the ability to enjoy the hot, damp sensation of breath on their napes every night, without the hassle of inviting someone else to do it on their behalf.

“Everyone is more relaxed when they feel someone exhaling directly on the back of their skull,” said Mattress Warehouse CEO Dick Thompson. “And when you are more relaxed, you sleep better. That is what we believe here at Mattress Warehouse, and that is what we want for our customers.”

The new mattress is very versatile, and comes with a wide range of customizable features, such as the ability to adjust temperature, humidity, and smell.

“This bed has saved my sleep,” remarked happy customer Sophia Leftig. “You will have to try it for yourself to believe it. It really feels like a 40-year- old man’s mouth is pressed against my neck, letting out steamy breathes about 25 times a minute. It’s everything I could ask for in a mattress!”

At press time, Thompson hinted at developments towards a closet that watches you get dressed.

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