Reports emerged late last Thursday that tenured Economics Professor Dr. Jared Hamilton had indeed skipped shaving his scrotum before teaching to his Econ 402 lecture in Lorch Hall earlier that day.
Hamilton had made the decision to abstain from removing the hair from the folds of skin encasing his testicles upon realizing that his job was secured for “like, the next 20 years, so fuck it,” and concluding that he “didn’t need to get all dolled up” from here on out.
“It’s been a long and grueling journey for me in academia thus far, requiring thousands of hours of preparation and effort,” reported Hamilton, “and so far the benefits of tenure are great. Plus never feeling obligated to take a razor blade to the pubic hairs coating my genitalia is an added bonus.”
Students were not as elated with their professor’s newfound relaxed grooming standards.
“I honestly just felt kind of disrespected today, like Dr. Hamilton’s not even trying to look nice for us anymore,” said junior Mark Walters when reached for comment. “There were a bunch of typos in the lecture slides this morning, and the untrimmed pubes were the last straw. He published a paper that got a lot of attention last semester and all of a sudden his students and his overgrown netherhair don’t matter to him anymore.”
Hamilton later reiterated that despite failing to find time to manscape before his 400-person lecture, the Econ 402 midterm exam would proceed as scheduled, though he could not guarantee that he would wake up early enough to bring a pair of clippers to his balls before administering it
