Humans whose facial features are better suited to sunglasses are known to have higher reproductive rates.
Confirming that there is little evolutionary advantage in any other aspect of human anatomy or physiology, biologists at the University of Arizona confirmed that homo sapiens evolved for the sole purpose of wearing sunglasses.
“The way the shades contour to your face, and how they rest on the brim of your nose. It just makes logical sense that sunglass ready humans were evolutionarily selected for,” said head researcher Jacob Adams. “Not to mention the way the glasses rest on the unsightly human ear. It’s clear to us that those could serve no other purpose.”
“The discovery is astounding,” Adams continued. “For so long we thought ears were made for hearing and noses for sniffing but we were wrong. We were so wrong.”
The study goes on to conclude that while other mammals may be able to wear sunglasses, none manage to keep them on their face for an extended period of time, and none increased their sex appeal to other mammals of their species.
“As humans evolved closer and closer to sunglass readiness, pivotal organs like the bridge of the nose started to form,” research assistant Mark Butler told reporters. “It’s progress like this that separate humans from all other forms of life. Sunglasses may look fun on a dog or a dolphin, but they’d fall right off of them.”
At press time, the researchers had concluded that human feet evolved to wear flip-flops.
