Sources report that junior Alex Duchovnys has had his phone set to vibrate “way too hard,” and that it “fucks up everybody in the room every time it goes off.”
“We were just sitting in lecture and suddenly I heard what sounded like a chainsaw turning on and off repeatedly,” explained senior Ben Farch. “But instead of turning his phone onto silent, the dude just let it go off a dozen times over the course of the class.”
The vibration, which lasted over a second and repeated three times for every notification received, has earned complaints from friends, family, and classmates alike.
“It’s just so violent,” explained Duchovny’s friend Maria Hamill. “Like, he must know you can set your vibration intensity lower, right? Why can’t he have it be a couple of light taps like a normal person?”
“At the very least he could keep it in his pocket, but he keeps it sitting in front of him next to his laptop,” continued Hamill. “Whenever it goes off the whole damn table vibrate and scares the shit out of me.”
In spite of the frequent disruptions the phone vibrations cause, classmates claim that Duchovny did not actually check each notification.
“It’d make sense maybe if he was waiting for an important text, or at least looking at them as they came in, but he doesn’t even touch his phone for the duration of lecture,” complained sophomore Gordon Leeds. “At that point, why not just set the thing on silent?”
At press time, Duchovny revealed that the notifications were news alerts coming from his Wall Street Journal app.