For Years I Have Stayed In The Shadows, Plotting, Waiting For The Perfect Moment To Claim My Rightful Place On This Campus Once More. Fools! Now It’s Mine, All Mine!

The time has come. How long have I lingered here, watching as the masses flock to the Union building, blindly accepting the services it promises? Agonizing over why its U-go’s is so much more popular than my U-go’s? Wracking my mind over why everyone loves it so much even though it’s in the remote southern corner of campus, instead of in the middle, like me?

But no more. Imagine my glee when a little bird whispered in my ear that the Union is to undergo renovations for the next two years. The fools! How could they not see that this is when I will strike, positioning myself as the fun new spot to be on campus? What student will be able to resist my offerings?

It will only take one visit for them to appreciate the value of my affordably- priced lunch options at Beansters, and soon the woefully empty basement will be crowded wall-to-wall with students eager to see which visiting restaurant is providing catering that day. Power. Unlimited Power.

By the time the Union is open once more, it will be too late; I will have claimed my throne as the new king of study spaces and coffee shops. How sorry we are, the people will say, that we never saw the true value of a REAL university administrative building? How they will swoon! How modern its architecture, they will sing, how intuitive its dining venue-oriented first floor plan!

The writing is on the wall: a new era has come to Ann Arbor. Now, I rise.

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