Following a recent board meeting with Jesus and his apostles, God has announced a highly-anticipated update regarding a high profile case of eternal damnation.
For the first several years after his term it appeared that the 43rd President of the United States, George W. Bush, was a shoe-in for Satan’s next class of victims. However, despite his administration’s horrific violations of due process and human rights doctrine, the supreme arbiter of justice has decided to offer redemption to the former Commander- in-Chief, provided that he continue working on those lovely oil canvas portraits.
Spokespeople for the Almighty Father further clarified that Bush was “no more than three paintings” away from Jehova bequeathing the gift of forgiveness unto him.
Critics of the decision were somewhat allayed when God qualified his ruling in the context of the art’s requisite quality. “No, a seventh self portrait will not count. The three paintings have to be unique and original, and they must exhibit the president’s passion, hard work, and talent.” Sources close to God confirm that He was conflicted but was ultimately persuaded by John the Baptist, who showed him “that one of the sick hot air balloon.”
“Sure, installing black sites on military ships in order to torture people outside the jurisdiction of American courts was kind of iffy, but only someone with true pureness of the soul would dedicate themselves to a hobby as quaint as oil painting,” elaborated Yahweh.
A spokesman for His Holiness also noted that the President’s actions at Aretha Franklin’s funeral may have been a factor. “Mr. Bush’s decision to give Michelle Obama a piece of candy has minimized the severity of the waterboarding in God’s eyes.”
In a press conference held near the pearly gates St. Peter was emphatic that “co-president Cheney shares much of the blame” and “is abysmal even with watercolors.”
