Spider Could Be Anywhere By Now

Sources indicate that you better run.

Following a quick yet thorough analysis of all pertinent variables, leading entomologists and trackers alike agree that the colossal, most likely venomous spider you saw just moments ago could “really be anywhere by now.”

“Considering the speed and dexterity of the arachnid, as well as the layout and abundance of nooks and crannies nearby, it is safe to conclude that the eightlegged creature which once stood before you and vanished mere seconds later could literally be in any part of your house as of this point in time,” said expert Entomologist Jeanna Riley. “There is even evidence to suggest a high likelihood of the arthropod being somewhere on your body this very moment,” Riley later added.

As for the exact species and relative danger posed by the gargantuan organism, experts are also at a loss.

“We know that whatever kind of spider it is—be it a black widow or tarantula or South American goliath birdeater—it is undoubtedly extremely dangerous and likely has tremendous amounts of killing-power stored in each drop of venom,” said Riley. “But then again, you always have to factor in the unknown dangers as well.”

In light of the slow and painful death that is potentially waiting around literally any corner of your house, experts recommend that you take a few standard, precautionary steps to ensure your basic safety.

“Move across the country,” recommends Riley. “Or better yet, to a different country. Then hire someone to burn down your old house, and under no circumstances should you leave a forwarding address. Just to be safe.”

Nearby sources later reported a loud, girlish shriek emanating from inside the house—indicating the spider was most likely found, but its friends may still be lurking anywhere.

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