As of last midnight, local grandma Marie Pugh has reportedly whipped up a fuckload of festively decorated Christmas cookies. Having worked tirelessly for nearly three days, Pugh told sources that she was “damn proud” of her prodigious output and “excited to start back up again in the morning.”
Pugh reports that her confections come in many varieties. “Any pussy can pop out a couple dozen batches of chocolate chip, but it takes some grit to go balls to the wall and diversify. That’s why I’ve got snickerdoodles, sugar cookies, molasses, ginger snaps, oatmeal raisin, peanut butter—hell, I even turned out a heap of whoopie pies. You name ‘em, I got ‘em.”
When asked what she will do with the shit-ton of biscuits, Pugh stated, “I’ve had my grandkids send buttloads of batches off to neighbors, mailmen, and teachers. I even donated a goddamn crapton to the local Christmas market.”
Though she has baked “oodles of cookies” for as long as they can remember, even Pugh’s children and grandchildren were impressed by the woman’s drive this year. “She’s always been a pro when it’s comes to cooking,” said Jason Pugh, “but the past few days, God, she’s been an effin’ beast.”
Pugh has announced that after finishing off her cookies, she will be “roasting a frickin’ truckload of candied chestnuts.”
