Mike Pence Begins Weaving Vast Web Around White House Fireplace In Preparation For Santa

The web's yield will keep Michael's belly full for months.

White House holiday preparations are reportedly underway with multiple decorations adorning the halls and Vice President Mike Pence spinning a “massive, elaborate web” around the largest fireplace in the building.

“Santa Claus brings toys and gifts for all the good children and abundant meat for Michael,” stated Pence. Added Pence, “Fresh, succulent meat.”

Sources claim that the web, which has a “wet and sticky” texture, spans over twenty-seven feet, covering the entire width of the room. “Santa escapes Michael every year, but this time there will be no escape,” explained the vice president. “Michael has sprinkled tasty cookies into his web to ensnare fat presents man.”

White House staff also report that the roof has been peppered with spiked carrots allegedly intended to lure in reindeer. “I don’t like to think about it too much, but I think Mike intends to have them as an appetizer,” explained staff member Sammy Bilker.

Continued Bilker, “He’s been emptying the White House meat lockers for weeks just to make room.”

Reports indicate that Pence has been scuttling back and forth in anticipation ever since weaving the web. Said Pence, “It will soon be time for Michael to feast, to gather nutrients for the long sleep before spring.”

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