National Wildlife Federation Warns That Turducken Population Levels Critically Low

The beautiful fowl will go extinct without intervention.

In an urgent public announcement by the National Wildlife Federation, conservationists warned that over-hunting of wild Turducken is causing a catastrophic population decline, with the species projected to go extinct within two Thanksgivings without immediate intervention.

The scathing report condemned a complacent populace for prizing the reclusive animal, recognized by the distinctive markings of a chicken inside of a duck inside of a turkey, as a holiday delicacy, leading to its targeting by wild game hunters.

“What have we come to, as a society, when we’ve lost all empathy for this noble beast?” lamented conservationist Morgan DuGall. “Have we really reached the point where we cannot look at a deboned chicken stuffed inside a deboned duck stuffed inside a deboned turkey and see anything but a tender, flavorful dinner for the whole family to enjoy?”

Added DuGall, “Near the farm I grew up on there was a whole flock, over 200 Turducken. I used to spend hours watching them communicate via a mangled combination of clucks, quacks, and gobbles. I can’t describe my sadness knowing there are no more than five thousand alive today.”

“That no one appreciates God’s beautiful matrimony of turkey, chicken, and duck, is a disgrace to anyone who calls themselves an animal rights advocate,” stated a withering passage in the report. “This is one of the most majestic creatures to grace the surface of the planet, not just three pieces of meat nested inside of each other, lightly marinated, and then slow roasted for four to five hours or until the outside is brown and crispy. If we don’t act now, there won’t be any left.”

At press time, the National Wildlife Federation followed the report with a secondary request for everyone to do their part by eating turkey, chicken, and duck separately.

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