Report: Kid Wants To Go Fast


Noting a general proclivity for roller coasters, race cars, and chase scenes in movies, sources report that area preschooler Jackson Harris just wants to go balls to the wall seven days a week.

“Faster, faster, faster!” commented Jackson while riding shotgun in his mother’s grocery cart as she browsed the aisles of Meijer.

“Jackson is an active kid,” noted Jackson’s mother Becky Harris. “It can be a little hard to keep up with him sometimes. I mean, I can only push a grocery cart so fast.”

Sources confirm that Jackson’s need for speed translates to his life at school and on the playground as well.

“Red is the fastest color,” Jackson attested as he velcroed the straps on his light-up, flame-streaked Skechers in anticipation of recess. “Like The Flash—ZAM!” said Jackson, clapping his hands together in representation of his desire to get out there and break the sound barrier with his own two feet.

Jackson, standing 3’2”, is also reported to sport Nike wrist warmers to go with his Asics tank top and matching shorts, as well as the occasional mohawk—all of which helps him to “zoom fast like Lightning McQueen.”

“Slow down there, Buddy,” said Jackson’s teacher Ms. Libby, patting the four-year-old on the head as he stood waiting in line for recess. “The little tyke’s gonna get himself all tuckered out.”

At press time, Jackson was long- gone. A pair of red sneakers was reportedly sighted disappearing over the playground horizon.

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