Where The Fuck Are All My Spoons

It’s completely normal that two roommates would share some things, but with that agreement comes an expectation of a little courtesy and decorum. When I was missing a spoon or two at first, it didn’t really matter to me. Maybe you had one, and maybe I misplaced one too. But at this point, things have gone too far. This cannot be an accident—I just don’t understand why or how. But I need to know, where the fuck did you put all of my spoons?

If you have a problem with me, we can talk about it. What kind of person has such malicious intentions as to just hide silverware? I had to eat yogurt with a fork last night. I can’t stay silent any longer. I bought twelve spoons at Target at the beginning of the year, and they have been disappearing one by one since welcome week. I didn’t lose 12 spoons. Seriously, where are they?

Why spoons? The forks are untouched, and don’t think I haven’t noticed you’ve been adding knives for God knows what reason, but we have literally not a single spoon. At this point, I’m almost certain I’ll never see them again so I can really only ask one thing. All I want—all I want is to know why. Why? For God’s sake, why?

If you don’t fucking stop, I’m going to take this up the chain. I already talked to our RA, and she just told me to “refer to the roommate agreement.” If you don’t make a change, I will talk to housing. All things considered, you’re a great roommate, but once you touch a man’s spoons, you don’t leave him with many options.

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