As winter enters its second month, reports have emerged that, while all deciduous trees lie dormant, unable to produce their own energy, one ostentatious conifer is planning to flaunt its superiority and photosynthesize right in the face of a neighboring maple tree all winter long.
Willow, a sugar maple, 134, is reportedly quite frustrated with the lack of sensitivity displayed by his coniferous neighbor. He stated “you’d expect, in this day and age, for trees of all kinds to be more cognizant of the differently abled and demonstrate restraint, especially towards an elder. But I guess this is what you get with adolescents.”
Ash, the Norway spruce, 68, explained that it’s not his fault “maples are such little birches.”
He continued, “I’m just doin’ me. If Greg feels emasculated because he loses all his leaves like a prepubescent sapling every year, that’s his problem.”
Other deciduous residents of the Arboretum expressed frustration with Ash in recent months over his gaudy displays of his ability to retain leaves throughout the winter. A neighboring oak, Hawthorn, 262, reported his vexation at Ash’s decision to purchase dozens of Gucci and Versace Christmas chain ornaments to hang on his verdant branches.
“I’ve spawned children with twice as many rings in their trunk as that overgrown weed. Back in my day, this type of tomfoolery would have earned him a visit from Paul Bunyan.”