Five-Second Rule Amended For Special Circumstance

Dimakis cited emergency suspension of habeus corpus as a precedent for the action.

Claiming that there comes a time for all legislation to be revised, area man Paul Dimakis has resolved to amend the five-second rule after dropping his last Chips Ahoy cookie on his kitchen floor.

“My predecessors devised the five-second rule with nothing but the best intentions,” said Dimakis after eating off the floor. “I know it’s there to protect us, but sometimes we need to protect ourselves from the past.”

Witnesses report the cookie remained on the floor for an additional two seconds after rolling all the way across the room.

The five-second rule, an autological jurisprudence limiting the amount of time to safely recover a fumbled bite of food to only five seconds, has come under fire in recent years.

Some believe that the charter is antiquated. Dimakis told reporters that “the five-second rule was conceived in another context—another time. A time with stickier surfaces and dusty floors.”

Dimakis argued that the five-second rule was initially intended to cover johnny cakes fallen on dirt floors, and that the codification needs to be updated to acknowledge modern snacking technologies.

Others are resistant to the change of the convention.

“What’s next after the five-second rule?” asked concerned citizen Laura Pell, “Will people be allowed to call shotgun while the car is out of view? Will people refuse to recognize the five-minute seat reservation because it was ‘from another time?’ I say the buck stops here.”

Dimakis was last seen enjoying the cookie he reclaimed from the floor after seven seconds.

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