Grown Up Alert! Candice Drinks Gin Now

Candice says simplicity is the simplest form of sophistication.

Alert the media! You simpletons might still be downing your vodka red bulls, jack and cokes, and natty lights, but you can throw all that juvenile swill out the window when Candice comes to town. Candice, you see, drinks gin now. Her spirit has been taken over by a 73-year-old woman from Palm Beach with a New York Times crossword subscription, and she wants you to know it! Candice just isn’t really into the sweet stuff anymore, and she is not afraid to let everyone know about her newly acquired taste.

It seems she just has a more refined palate at this stage in her life! You might dilute your alcohol with cranberry juice or lemonade, but Candice uses tonic because she is a lady. What is tonic, you might ask? Candice isn’t sure, but she knows it’s definitely more grown up than soda because it certainly sounds like it!

There’s something about the bitter aftertaste and general old-timey aura of gin that really brings her back to the cobblestone streets of London, where she studied abroad for four months. Apparently it’s just what the locals drank, and she really wanted to immerse herself in the culture. She’s even using words like “mouth feel” and “assertive texture!”

Her austerity herself was last seen pouring gin into a water bottle with some Brisk raspberry lemonade. Candice wants you to know she’s just like you, except a little bit better.

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