University To Allow Blood Offerings As Viable Two Factor Authentication Option

Blood was determined to be ‘the most secure’ method of authentication.

Amid discontent surrounding their recent decision to require two factor authentication to log on to University accounts, officials from the University have announced that blood sacrifices are an acceptable means of access.

“We have heard your concerns regarding the tediousness of using phones to get through Duo,” said University spokesperson Dave Crandel. “So, we have decided to allow members of the University to confirm their identities via bloodletting as well.”

Crandel stated that the University believes this move will not only provide a convenient alternative to using the Duo mobile app, but it will also heighten security even further. “In addition to your blood being readily accessible at all times,” Crandel continued, “there is no surer proof of identity than genetic information.”

Instructions for the blood offering option were recently released from the Office of Information and Technology Services. These instructions recommend procuring a stainless steel or untarnished silver sacrificial blade to conduct authentication with. Moreover, those who opt to access accounts with blood are encouraged to burn candles made of human fat and consume raw horse livers in preparation for their Duo rituals.

Some members of the University community are skeptical about this new procedure, believing that it may present a hazardous health risk. In response to such concerns, Crandel stated that “the University does not sanction behavior that threatens student or faculty wellbeing. Thus, we encourage those interested in the blood offering option to carry a clean blade or scalpel with them at all times and to avoid sharing their sacrificial instruments with others.

Students uncomfortable with extracting their own blood may go to UHS, where nurses are available during business hours to give you a quick, clean slash.”

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