After laboring for a year on his senior thesis, English major Don Jenkins turned in what his advisors called a “masterpiece of modern prose,” which perfectly adhered to the five paragraph essay formula.
Jenkins was “exceedingly proud” of his thesis, which consisted of three body paragraphs framed by an introduction and a conclusion.
“I learned how to write a five paragraph essay back in sixth grade and have stuck with it ever since,” Jenkins told sources. “I’m sure Ms. Dillon, my middle school language arts teacher, would be super stoked about this thesis.”
Clocking in at a compact 952 words, Jenkins’ meticulously sculpted thesis drew much critical acclaim from its assessors.
“I do not hesitate to award this thesis highest honors,” Professor Harold Notting wrote in his comments on the piece. “Jenkins’ succinct yet suave use of language efficiently argues his point. Moreover, the simple paragraph structure is marvelously easy to follow.”
What really “wowed” the faculty who read Jenkins’ paper, though, was its central thesis, which was nestled at the end of the first paragraph and “neatly presents three literary devices that Mary Shelley uses to dehumanize the creature in Frankenstein.”
“Oftentimes, these projects are lengthy endeavors, easily amounting to sixty or seventy pages,” said the Honors director Mary Tabor. “But this thesis, despite its modest size and relative lack of secondary source usage, is just so marvelously clear. I knew exactly what the author was saying the whole time. In fact, even though I only read Don’s whole thesis once, I felt like I’d seen it a hundred times before.”