News broke on Monday that, in a cruel twist of fate, area man John Potter had forgotten to bring his phone to the bathroom, and was thereby denied any distractions from his body’s disposal of the previous night’s Thai food.
“When I have my phone I usually just scroll on Instagram, or play Candy Crush. Sometimes, if I eat something really spicy and need an even bigger distraction I might even open up Reddit. This time though, I could do none of that. It was just me and the toilet, with nothing standing between us.” Said Potter.
“That poor guy. There was nothing he could do. As soon as I saw that he had left his phone on the counter, my heart dropped. I can only imagine the hell he must have gone through,” said Potter’s roommate and witness at the scene Harry Reynolds.
“The thought of him in that cold, claustrophobic stall with nothing else to think about but the shit exiting his body, it gives me chills.”
“I have come to see the cycle of life in a new light,” said Potter when reached for comment on his harrowing experience. “All is one and one is all. From dust we came, and to dust we shall return. Accepting this brutal, yet beautiful fact of nature has attuned me to my bodily needs. I walked into that bathroom as a mere man, but I came out as something greater.”
Potter was last seen entering the bathroom after eating a Taco Bell combo meal, purposefully leaving his phone behind.