As the temperature increases in Ann Arbor, students are beginning to hate themselves instead of the depressing weather.
“When I walk outside, and it’s 50 degrees, I really can say that it’s not so bad here,” proclaimed LSA Sophomore Mike Dunleavy, who can finally stop complaining about the weather and start complaining about himself. “But I’m trash, though. I suck.”
“It’s really nice to walk outside and not feel that wall of freezing air hit my face,” continued Dunleavy, who will now be forced to stop using the weather as a distraction from his unhealthy sleep schedule and spending habit.
Like other students, Dunleavy will now fill the void of talking about how much he hates the weather with talking about how much he hates himself. “Every time I hit the Diag, I see people pitching hammocks or tossing around a frisbee,” said LSA Junior Eric Fordstead, who will now replace his winter jacket with a blanket of self-hate.
“There’s really a lot to love about this place. Too bad there’s nothing lovable about me.” “But now that the weather’s nicer, I just feel like there’s been this weight lifted off my shoulders,” continued Fordstead, who will replace that weight by contemplating his destructive procrastination, eating habits, and overall stress level.
A campus-wide survey has shown a direct correlation between the rising temperatures and rising patterns of self loathing.
Recent reports indicate that graduating seniors plan to displace their stress from classes onto brittle family relationships.