Following an especially sunny day in Ann Arbor, multiple University of Michigan students have reported that the man wearing short shorts in the Diag definitely does not have the legs for it.
Witnesses have reported that LSA senior Matthew Baker committed the “crime against fashion” while many other students were trying to enjoy the uncommonly sunny day.
“I was reading a book on the grass,” said LSA sophomore Samantha Woodson, “and then I look up and see that. It was horrific—his knobbly, pale knees were so white they were reflecting the sunlight into my eyes.”
Other students were surprised by how little the perpetrator allegedly cared about the people around him.
“He was really just walking around with his unshaven legs out,” said Ross senior Carter Batty. “Someone with smoother and better-toned legs could pull that off, but he really had no business dressed like that in public.”
Witnesses were reportedly considering confronting Baker and asking him to cover up, but no one was willing to get close enough to speak to him.
“Some people really think their comfort is more important than common decency,” said Engineering freshman Eddie Fisher. “Where is his sense of respect? Does he think I want to see his spring break thigh tanline?”
Fisher concluded by telling reporters he was glad Baker “at least covered up his shoulders.”