Major League Baseball commissioner Robert Manfred issued a statement early last week assuring fans of the sport that there will be “absolutely no pressure” to watch a single inning of the game at any point in the 2019 season.
“I can say with great confidence that the 2019 baseball season is poised to be one of the best ever,” exclaimed Manfred last Tuesday. “That being said, I urge all of you to not catch a single minute of the action if you are not inclined to do so.”
After experiencing a severe nosedive in viewership since the end of the steroid era, the MLB has implemented a variety of marketing tactics to get more fans to tune into games.
“As an organization, we feel terrible,” spoke Manfred only hours before the commencement of the new season. “We have prompted so many reluctant people to watch baseball over the past several years. Finally, we are accepting responsibility. Our motives were unethical.”
With viewership being discouraged, the MLB is expected to turn to other measures to meet their financial needs.
“Most of our income will probably come from kids playing stickball, or seniors replacing their 30 year old ball caps that have finally worn down,” Manfred asserted. “But I wouldn’t even want these demographics to watch three and a half hours of baseball, five days a week. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.”
Team owners have joined Major League Baseball in their efforts, and are planning to discourage players from inviting family members to their games.
