Senior Boosts GPA At Last Minute By Purchasing Honors Cords

The cords were reportedly ‘the best 13 dollars’ Jacobson ever spent

Citing a desire to bolster his final transcript before graduating, LSA senior Lawrence Jacobson has significantly enhanced his GPA just days before commencement by procuring a set of honors cords from the Michiganensian Grad Extravaganza.

“I was getting nervous I wouldn’t be able to get into any med schools with a three point,” Jacobson, a Biopsychology, Cognition, and Neuroscience major, reportedly confided to a friend on Tuesday. “Lucky for me, they were selling these nifty honors cords at the Michiganensian. I snagged one of these bad boys, and bingo. 3.8.”

In response to concerns from some members of the student and faculty bodies about academic integrity, the University issued a statement which indicated that there are not technically any rules against using honors cords to boost one’s GPA.

“We did not foresee students taking advantage of this option,” said University spokesperson Lionel Colfer, “However, nowhere on the LSA informational page about GPAs does it say you cannot finesse your way up the academic rankings using commencement regalia. Thus, the University has decided to endorse Jacobson’s hardly-earned achievement.”

During the graduation ceremony, Jacobson reportedly increased his GPA to a perfect 4.0 by donning an additional cord he found lying on the ground.

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