University Health Services Director Robert Ernst announced plans to resume free coverage of STI testing for University of Michigan students last Friday, following the discovery of a mysterious bump.
Ernst, who spent the previous night gingerly scrolling through pages of Google Images results for “genital pimple,” began to consider the possibility of reversing the UHS action upon reaching page 4 of sweltering pubic boils and welts.
“It was only a matter of time before we came to our senses,” said Ernst, genitals ablaze. “We would never want the payment process for these important tests to stand in the way of identifying… pesky little developments down there,” he added.
The announcement came after large-scale demands and petitions to reinstate the previous policy by student and staff advocates, and after hours of fruitless WebMD research.
“Our proposed policy disproportionately affected already-marginalized groups at this university and raised serious concerns about student confidentiality,” said Ernst, who was discreetly attempting to adjust his crotch.
Ernst was reportedly also considering more comprehensive insurance contraceptive coverage after discovering Mrs. Ernst was a few days late.