American consumers are demanding answers after it was revealed that not a single carton of eggnog remained in U.S. stores nationwide, less than two weeks into the month of October.
“You’ve got to be shitting me,” said Iowa native Grant Peters in the freezer aisle of his local Kroger. “It’s October 1st — where the fuck is my ‘nog?”
Thousands of shoppers at Meijer, Whole Foods, and other major grocers across the country have been turned away disappointed at the widespread shortage of flavorful eggnog fun. The would-be buyers, who arrived hoping to relish in slurping down one of their favorite seasonal drinks, are calling for restitution of the delicious holiday beverage to local supermarket shelves.
“The truth is, we don’t know where all the eggnog went,” admitted Organic Valley CEO Bob Kirchoff. “And if I’m being completely honest here, we don’t have the slightest idea how it’s made either. Eggnog usually just happens,” he added.
To combat consumer outrage, food distributors are encouraging consumers to select other seasonal drinks to satisfy their autumn cravings. Pumpkin spice coffee and caramel hot cocoa are among the items being pushed while dairy producers scramble to get eggnog back on the market.
“You can kiss my pumpkin spice ass if you think I’m putting that nonsense into my body,” said Wisconsin shopper Linda Malwick in the checkout line. “Hot cocoa in October? Do I look like fucking Santa Claus?”
At press time, Walmart CEO Doug McMillon warned consumers of a forthcoming candy cane shortage.