Report: Baby Better Shut The Fuck Up

The infant is reportedly about to get ripped a new one.

After being heard crying for a straight hour in the local Arby’s, it is being widely reported that area baby Jacob Parker needs to put up or shut up.

“What is he even complaining about. I changed his diaper, I fed him, he had his nap. He’s living the life of luxury but the way he’s carrying on you would think I just sawed off his legs,” reported Jacob’s mother Erica Parker when asked about the screaming toddler struggling to escape his high chair while throwing french fries on the ground.

Witnesses report seeing random passerby look accusingly at Parker before sitting as far away as possible.

“That kid needs to shut his damn mouth. Where else am I supposed to get some fucking peace and quiet?” said Arby’s regular Jim Snow.

Other restaurant attendees had more sympathy for Parker, noting that “the curly fries really are kinda bad today actually.”

“Being a baby in this economy? I would cry too,” said waiter Richard Johnson.

At press time, Parker was seen sleeping soundly in a pool of his own vomit.

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