Would You Like to Touch My Jesus Wand?

Hey kid, come over here for a second. I know you’re in a bit of a rush on your way to class and all, but trust me: what I’m offering you right now is too good to pass up. Set down your bookbag for a minute and give me just a moment of your time. Here, I’ll sweeten the deal — say, would you like to touch my Jesus wand?”

Yes, we can talk salvation too, but what’s the rush? I’ve been reciting the evils of homosexuality and idol worship in the middle of this place for hours already, so let’s just cool it for a bit. What I’ve really been wanting to do all morning is run my hands up and down the mystical shaft of my Wand of Christ.

Go ahead, give it a twirl — feel the way it handles in your fingers. This here evangelizing rod has a real delicacy to it, a lightness. You just can’t compare this kind of craftsmanship to the shoddy religious sticks those other, false faiths try to entice you with. This thing is unmatched — truly priceless — but don’t worry about anyone stealing it. I keep it zipped up right down here, where only us believers can see it.

You know, we’ve gotten to know each other and this little pole pretty well by now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this magical wand of the Jesus of Nazareth truly has the power to proselytize even the most ungodly among us on this campus. Hmmm, since I think we’re making good time here — would you be interested in trying out my St. Sebastian switch?

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