Janette Stuart, a loving mother of three, was publicly ridiculed last weekend when a sudden bout of hunger prompted her to remove her shirt and help herself to a nice meal out of her own lactating teat, much to the discomfort of every other patron at Meijer.
“It was really something,” a concerned shopper noted. “I was just looking at yogurt when this lady whipped out her honkers and just fuckin’ went to town. It’s like, I get that it’s her body, but can’t you just go to the bathroom or something?”
“People just don’t understand,” Stuart commented in response to the backlash her public luncheon spurred. “As a mother of three, I have a very busy life and not a lot of time to squeeze meals into my schedule. When it’s time to eat, I just have to do it right then and there. Otherwise, I get cranky.”
When reached for questioning, the manager of Meijer stated that he would not take an official stance on the matter, adding simply that “if a loving mother knows that it’s lunch time, I’m not gonna tell her she needs to wait to unsheathe her jugs and chow down.”
“Who am I to judge?” another shopper noted while checking a carton of eggs for cracks. “That’s what breasts are for, anyway. I’m not about to argue with nature.”
Stuart was last seen dislocating her neck like a stork in an attempt to reach her badonkers in the middle of a Texas Roadhouse.