Sex Before Marriage Won’t Make You Happy, Unless It’s With Ben Shapiro

Everyone knows that sex before marriage is a sin. But if you must do the deed, you might as well make sure it’s with me, Ben Shapiro.

A new study has found that married people are happiest if their spouses are the only people with whom they’ve ever had sex, or if they’ve had a few romps in the hay here and there with none other than doe-eyed founder of The Daily Wire, Ben Shapiro.

According to the study, 71% of men who reported one lifetime sexual partner said they were “very happy” in their marriages, but 100% of women who engaged in tomfoolery with the former editor of Breitbart News before marriage couldn’t fucking get enough of it.

While it’s been reported before that those who marry as virgins have the lowest divorce rates, no study until now has addressed how one of your past partners being me, Ben Shapiro, JD, affected overall marriage quality. Yes, it’s been discovered already that the biggest dip for happiness in both married men and women occurred when they had sex before marriage. Still, keep in mind that all such findings were rendered void when their fuckbuddy was none other than conservative commentator and host of The Ben Shapiro Show, Ben Shapiro.

Let me leave you with this: if you do decide to engage in the sin of premarital hot-lovin’, me and my lil’ B-Shap down-under are clearly the only way to go. Sure, having multiple sexual partners before marriage is what’s “cool” and “in” these days, but trust me — no one else will show you the numbers before they show you their penis.

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