Reports have surfaced that the entire nation of France celebrated the arrival of 2020 at only 7 pm, five hours before the clock actually struck midnight.
Millions of French idiots prematurely toasted to a happy and healthy new year, popping champagne before Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest had even started.
“Cinq, quatre, trois, deux, un…” counted down the people who’ve already cycled through four failed republics, not even close to the start of the new calendar year.
Witnesses confirmed that the baguette-munchers were tucked into bed and sound asleep long before the ball even dropped.
“Please, give me une midnight kiss,” requested the snail-eaters in weird annoying voices, sharing an anachronistic NYE moment.
“Formidable,” said the fools gawking at ill-timed fireworks, eyes wide as they stuffed their dainty little mouths with charcuterie.
“Bonne année,” reported the worst members of the EU, oblivious to the fact that it was not yet the new decade.
At midnight, millions of Americans were wondering why their friends in the Pacific Ocean island nation of Niue hadn’t yet wished them a Happy New Year.
