Witnesses are reporting that area dad Brian Ferki has declared “total war” on the squirrels “ransacking the Duncraft Hanging Feeder” he recently installed outside his kitchen window.
“I went to Lowe’s to stock up on bird seed for the feeder, which was running on empty, and when I got back, I was confronted with two squirrels wreaking havoc on the whole setup I had going,” said the frustrated Ferki late Sunday afternoon.
Ferki later added, “That’s when [he] knew it was time to bring out the big guns.”
“First I tried rigging the feeder with some fishing line looped around the end of a tree branch, thinking the squirrels would slip right off,” commented Ferki. “But then I realized the line made it easier for them to grasp with their weasely little claws.”
Sources confirm that the fishing line strategy did “little to nothing” in the fight to deter the squirrels from “terrorizing the pretty songbirds” and “having their way” with the Duncraft Hanging Feeder.
“Maybe using slinky wire would keep the squirrels at bay,” wondered Ferki aloud, considering new lines of defense for the ongoing battle between his six-foot, 180-pound self and several overgrown rats.
“It’s infuriating. I’m here to restore the neighborhood songbird population, not to run a bed and breakfast for rodents,” said Ferki.
At press time, Ferki was waiting in line at the DMV to apply for a hunting license.
