Hardened Gun Owner Jumps When Toast Pops Up

Despite being able to empty a magazine without flinching, Nichols was caught off-guard by his whole-grain breakfast moving half an inch.

Reports are indicating that proud NRA member and 2nd Amendment enthusiast Dale Nichols, despite owning multiple semi-automatic weapons, has been seen jumping at the sound of toast popping up.

Nichols was reportedly making his breakfast before his weekly hunting session when the sound of the toaster “startled him to the point of hysterics.”

“I’ve been going to shooting ranges and sitting in hunting blinds my whole life, but, damn, that toast popping up was louder and scarier than any gunshot I’ve ever heard,” Nichols said.

By his own estimates, Nichols experiences daily decibel levels “three times louder than the average snowflake” due to his “passion for [his] arms.”

“That kind of sissy civilian stuff doesn’t usually bother me. I don’t even keep the safety on for my guns. Just don’t need it,” he said. Nichols later attributed his reaction to the “food-related clamor” as an example of his “keen instincts and well-honed battle reflexes.”

At press time, Nichols was seen “yelling for someone to call animal control” upon seeing a mouse in his bedroom closet.

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