Sources report that last Friday night, area freshman Samantha Dwyer hooked up with Dave Morgan, a man with a profoundly underfurnished room, but “surprisingly brilliant dick.”
“My friends all made fun of me for the next three days after me and Dave happened,” stated Dwyer. “They didn’t exactly approve of the fact that the only furniture in his room is a Playstation and a ripped bean bag chair… but at the end of the day, he knew how to make me feel good.”
“I guess I can see where she’s coming from, but I’m still not sure if it’s really worth it,” stated Dwyer’s friend Madison West. “I don’t care if the guy can fuck good if his only piece of bedding is a fitted sheet that’s coming off one of the corners of the mattress.”
“I couldn’t care less what people think. If anything, his minimalist style really maximizes his dick size. If there was anything on his walls, I think it would just be too distracting,” replied Dwyer in a recent statement.
When reached for comment on his decor, Morgan responded, “I don’t really see a problem with it. I’m not gonna put up a front of being some kind of cultured, refined guy when we all know my bang game is what we’re all here for.”
At press time, Dwyer was seen packing an overnight bag to “stay over at a friend’s house.”
