Shortest Person Standing Somehow Tallest Person Sitting

Witnesses describe Jones’ strange stature as being ‘the worst of both worlds.’

Reports are coming in that LSA sophomore Jared Jones is simultaneously the shortest and tallest person in his CLCIV 385 discussion section, depending on whether he is standing or sitting.

“The man has an incredibly long torso. When he’s sitting down he’s instantly taller than everyone else, but when he’s standing his short legs flip the script,” said GSI Brittany Smith.

“He’s the worst person to have sit in front of you in lecture. It’s like a skyscraper blocking the board,” said classmate Jessica Stevens. “But when we stand around museum exhibits on our discussion section trips, he’s the one you want to stand behind.”

“I’m 6’8” and my wife’s a petite 5’0,” and somehow he’s inherited the worst parts of both of us,” said Jared’s father William Jones. 

Jones was last seen at the gym taking twice as long as a normal person to do a sit up.

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