SoulCycle Management Under Fire After Not Collecting Enough Souls

The instructors were reportedly collecting sweat to use as anointing oil.

Ann Arbor SoulCycle instructors have recently come under scrutiny by their SoulCycle superiors for not harvesting the adequate number of souls.

“You have failed us,” hissed SoulCycle corporate employee Anna Danfield. “How will our Master’s plan ever come to fruition without the reaping of the requisite number of souls required to feed Him?”

“We only have three more cycles of the lunar rock until all obelisks are in place and we can commence the Grand Scheme,” Danfield added.

Before last Tuesday’s 7 am morning class, SoulCycle instructors were seen begging for forgiveness as they bowed to a pentagram surrounded by candles.

“O glorious One, we sanctify Your holy name and repent,” prayed instructor Hannah Fisher, known for her in-class motivational shouts of “Think about that cheesecake you ate last week!” and “Today, you become the best version of yourself!”

Fisher, whose eyes were glowing bright-red, was also seen sacrificing a small goat as she chanted, “The scorched Earth shall rejoice in the paradise of blood You establish for her offspring.”

Other SoulCycle employees were seen crying as they begged people to sign up for more classes, knowing something terrible would happen if they didn’t.

“Please,” croaked instructor Janet Osborne, famous for her incredible six-pack and ‘80s playlists. “Come to the 5 pm ThrowbackThursday, or the consequences will be dire.”

Osborne was last seen being slaughtered by a hooded member of HR, begging for mercy as her soul was released into the aether.

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