A recent study conducted by the American Psychological Association (APA) has discovered that playing the classical music of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for babies in utero turns them into “total self-righteous geeks.”
“We gathered 2000 fetuses and made half listen to the complete Mozart symphonies every day until their birth,” said Jenny Liu, head researcher at the APA. “We made the shocking discovery that those babies who listened to Mozart were three times more likely to become elitist, bootlicking narcs in their teenage years.”
Liu noted that, of the 1,000 babies who listened to Symphony No. 41 in C Major, K. 551, an astounding 700 went on to join their high school’s Science Olympiad team and face unrelenting torment from their peers. In addition, 681 babies considered completing the New York Times crossword puzzle as a “fun Friday night” in their teenage years, and 829 regularly reminded their teachers to collect the homework.
“We believe that the combination of invertible counterpoint and simple galant-style melodies in Mozart’s compositions chemically rewires the fetal brain into that of a cocky little poindexter,” said Maxwell Roberts, a researcher on Liu’s team.
“We hope our study serves as a warning for all new parents,” said Liu. “Unless you want your child to turn into an insufferable brown-noser, you’re better off having them listen to the works of Rihanna or Eminem.”